Meaningful Nonsense

I Pretend

2009-04-24T20:10:00.000-07:00

Everyday I pretend. Hell, I even lie to myself. I pretend that I don't love him. I pretend that I don't need him.

It's weird. I'm always thinking about how much it hurts to know that I can't have him, but that's only when he's not around. He shows up and...I forget.

I forget that I'm supposed to keep my guard up; I really don't want to fall.

I forget that I'm NEVER going to get the chance to be with him, trust me, it can't happen.

I don't want to need you, 'cause I can't have you.

Then he leaves and I remember again. And I continue to pretend.

I pretend I'm okay when he's asks me if I am.

I pretend that he's not on my mind when he asks what I'm thinking about.

I try to ignore the fact that he confuses me beyond belief. It's as if I know he's asking for something, but he also knows...there's never going to be a ME AND HIM TOGETHER. Just a ME, and just a HIM.

I wonder if he thinks about the possibility of an us.

I wonder if he ever thinks it should have been me, not her.

I know I shouldn't think about him.

I know I won't be able to not think about him.

Everyday I pretend. Hell, I even lie to myself. I pretend that I understand that I will never need him, because if we were truly meant to be, things would work out.

I pretend that I believe that he's not the one that will rescue me from my dreams, and that one day I will find someone who is just perfect and won't hurt me.

It's hard though.

But I pretend.

Drowning in Air

2009-04-21T19:36:00.000-07:00

I used to write.

Writing gave me the escape I needed from reality, even if it was just for a few moments. I would dream (and daydream) about what I would write, and it would take away much stress. I gave up.

I never really thought I would. I used to post my "writings" on sites, and I would have people comment/email/basically talk to me about the things I wrote. It became too much of a commitment for me. I loved it, but I couldn't find the time to actually post my stuff, and when I DID have the time, I didn't feel much like posting.

Sort of made me realize that I don't really know what I want. I'm trying to find out, but half the stuff I tell myself is a lie. Grr. This is all sounding a bit like teen-angst, no?

Controlled Chaos

2009-04-21T19:23:00.000-07:00

New to this :/

Sarcasm amuses me beyond anything out there. Well, for the time being anyway. You know what I hate? Having something on your mind and not being able to get it out. I have a lot to think about, and I don't say much. I am ambiguous when it comes to me...I'm not easy to read. I can't talk to my friends. Well, I can, but I choose not to. I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself. Or anonymous, hence this blog.

In any case, this was just a starter...things should begin to blow up pretty soon (not literally).

;)